Hilarious

My buddy Fizz wrote this story...read it :)

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Bonnie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??
AWESOME!!!? Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as to say, "don't do it stupid," reasoning that a one-
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! !!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second
burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-*%# ... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they
get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.

Fizz